More Than Fine and Not Okay at All

Part One

How do I write about the most difficult experience in my life?

I’m not sure. I think I’ll just write one word after the other, until I reach the end. One foot in front of the other, one day after the next, and the only way out is through.

First, for those who don’t know, I have a 22-year-old son. His name is Sequoia, born in 2003, when I was 24. When his mother and I separated in 2006, when Sequoia was 3, I came out of the closet. Two years later, in 2008, I met my future husband, Isaac, and we have been together since. Isaac has been in Sequoia’s life since Sequoia was 5.

When his mother and I separated, we shared a 50/50 custody agreement. We maintained that agreement until Sequoia was in sixth grade and circumstances changed, and Isaac and I were granted full legal and physical custody of Sequoia. He’s been with us full-time ever since, finishing up middle school and eventually high school. He didn’t go to college, entering the workforce and finally finding a home as a tile and flooring installer. He’s worked for the same company for the past two years, becoming skilled at the trade - so much so that he’s installed new flooring in my parents’ house, as well as in our kitchen, and installed a world-class shower in our house.

But not everything in his life was great. Without divulging too much of his personal life, he went through a rough couple of months, with a few people in his life disappointing him in ways that left their mark. Big marks, in fact, and enough to send me a message one day:

“Dad, I think I want to move to Alaska.”

I didn’t know how to take it, but I knew he was hurting. Those disappointments were betrayals that rocked his world, and it appeared he was ready to change his world. I did my best to be his parent and offer the guidance I could. I encouraged him not to run away from his problems, and I reminded him that no matter where we go, there we are. Those scars he’d picked up were significant, like I said, and I encouraged him to find a therapist before making a move so big. It didn’t seem wise to me to make such a major change from a wounded place.

Little did I know.

I had this message exchange right before I was getting ready to leave my house. I asked him to consider giving it a few months of therapy, and if he felt the same way, to go for it. I left the house, got in my car, and drove to my studio space in Littleton, NH, about 20 minutes from our house. Hopping over the river into Dalton, NH, I began to drive Route 135, the 8 miles or so into Littleton, and I quickly pulled up behind a slow-moving vehicle.

With an Alaskan license plate. New England is roughly 4200 miles from Alaska, so it's incredibly rare to see a license plate from Alaska…right before having a conversation about Alaska. Even weirder, it was a vanity plate, reading WEREOUT. We’re out, huh? As soon as I landed, I sent a message to my good friend, Maria, all about what was happening. Outside of my husband, she’s probably the person I’m closest to, and as I was talking to her, she told me that it was weird that - at that very moment - she was going through her late mother-in-law’s possessions, and was holding postcards from Alaska.

Too many synchronicities. As soon as I landed at my studio space, I decided to pull a Tarot card after asking the question of “Can you please show me what will happen if Sequoia moves to Alaska?” I pulled the Ace of Pentacles. First, the vanity plate, then the Alaskan postcards, and finally the Ace of Pentacles - a card that indicates fated new beginnings, blessed gifts, the garden of the Earth.

It was time. Not only had the past few months, including all the disappointments and betrayals, acted as a catalyst, but it was clear that they were pushing Sequoia toward a new adventure that his heart was ready for.

My heart, however, wasn’t ready.

Once he decided to go, everything happened fast. He was encouraged by his current flooring company to go, that if he were ever to have this adventure, it should be when he’s 22, and without a mortgage, wife, or family. I had to agree - if it were going to happen for him, it should be now. I knew in my mind that it was the right move, but my heart wasn’t having it, and hasn’t been having it since.

He sold off his boats and motorcycles, gave his two-week notice, and got a nice bonus from his boss. As the date for his departure approached, I thought about how long the drive would be and how good it would be for him to have someone with him. I’d worked since 2013 as an entrepreneur, and my life was built so that I could take that time off. August is my least favorite month, so a road trip with my boy would be just what the doctor ordered.

Then the day came to go.

We planned to get through Canada and into Alaska within 7 days. I used Google Maps to line out our route, but had no idea how long the trip would take. Can we drive 8 hours, or 16, a day? What would the roads be like? How many issues would we run into? What towns have hotels along the way?

Day One: Tuesday, 08/05/2025 - Lunenburg, Vermont to Cochrane, Ontario

We’d take it day by day. Our first plan of action would be to say goodbye to his mom, then get up I-91 North to cross the border from Derby, VT, to the province of Quebec. Because we didn’t want to deal with bringing a bunch of food across the border and dealing with any necessary paperwork, we planned on stopping at the Walmart Supercenter in Magog, Quebec. We grabbed the supplies we needed, including a bunch of protein bars, bottled water, and two diesel cans to fill up and have in the back. We knew the longer, more remote parts of the journey might require us to fuel up before we hit a gas station.

I took two pictures in Quebec, one in Magog above, along with a picture of the first petrol station we stopped at to fuel up. We planned to get out of Quebec within the first day, as that’s where we would have most of the language barriers. We stopped about 7 hours in, with a majority of the landscape being forested, just like home. We drove by a lot of lakes, and after some significant traffic in Montreal, most of our drive was wilderness. We played trivia, listened to 90s music, and I couldn’t believe the breadth of music my kid knew - from country to classic rock to classic 90s hip-hop. We even saw horse-drawn wagons driven by the Amish, which was a surprise! Sequoia drove all the way, and his big diesel truck was comfortable for both of us.

We eventually made it to Cochrane, Ontario, where we enjoyed a massive helping of poutine at the 49th Parallel restaurant. Poutine, if you’re not familiar with it, is a dish of French Fries covered in gravy and cheese curds, at least the “Quebec” version is. “Classic” Poutine, as I found out later, would just have regular shredded cheese on it. Cochrane seemed like a giant crossroads of a town. The sky was a haze of smoke from the Canadian wildfires. It would be a few days before we would be clear of it.

We drove a total of 1,119 kilometers, or 695 miles. Day one was behind us.

Day Two: Wednesday, 08/06/2025 - Cochrane, Ontario to Winnipeg, Manitoba

The next morning, we were up early and had Tim Horton’s for the first time - the Canadian version of Dunkin Donuts, as I would gather. Ontario was flat and long, and Canada was huge. Canada seemed to feel like a “hyper” Maine - rugged and rustic. We passed towns like Moonbeam, where we saw a UFO, and several roadside attractions, including a T. rex and a giant snowman. Eventually, we stopped at Lake Helen, where the smoke was still heavy and thick.

That morning, I made this post on my personal Facebook page:

~ I knew Canada was going to be huge, but it's HUGE. I'm impressed by the consistent cell coverage in these remote areas. I'm also reminded of the human capacity to cut swaths of civilization through remote areas.

~ For all that, humans are so insignificant, especially in the face of the wilderness. A speck. A dot. There's something spooky about these trees, and it's not just the desolation. There's a feeling of teeth and claws just a stone's throw into the woods bordering these roads. Humans are secondary here, and maybe they've always been secondary everywhere. Perhaps we've forgotten that.

~ I speak of the Nineties to my son like the adults of my youth spoke of the Seventies. Am I over-romanticizing them? Do we all do that to the decades of our youth?

~ I feel our Ancestors behind us, like the tail of a comet carving its way through a strange country. I'm grateful for them. I'm grateful for the tailwind.

We eventually stopped in Dryden, Ontario, for dinner, where I had a plate of pierogies, which are huge in Canada. Sequoia had a plate of chicken and donuts, which I’d never heard of. I took a picture of the early evening sky in Dryden, where I noticed the sunset was happening later - we were moving further north, after all.

Over the day, Sequoia saw a dead wolf on the side of the road. I missed it. We chased the sunset into Winnipeg, Manitoba, a 15-hour day for a total of 1,404 kilometers, or 872 miles, making a two-day total of 1,567 miles driven. The longest day so far.

Day Three: Thursday, 08/07/2025 - Winnipeg, Manitoba to Edmonton, Alberta

Smoke. Everywhere. White skies above the plains, or what’s called the “Flatlands.” We saw our first herd of wild bison, but drove by it too quickly to get a picture, just before crossing the border into Saskatchewan.

Here are my thoughts from that morning, posted to Facebook:

~ Yesterday, we made it through Ontario and into Central time. A prevalence of evergreen trees, with smatterings of poplar and birch trees throughout. Many lakes and First Nation reserves. Sequoia saw a dead wolf on the side of the road. I missed it.

~ I've seen one piece of litter on the roadside since crossing the border into Canada. One. Even in cities like Winnipeg, where the medians would be caked with garbage if it were an American city, there was zero litter. I don't know what the cause is, as I've not seen any signs discouraging litter. With the contrast that Canada has provided, I've been pondering what's wrong with America, and Americans in general. I remember being taught to give a hoot as a child - do we not do that anymore?

~ We traveled 872 miles yesterday, or 1,404 kilometers - the longest either of us has ever driven in a single day. Our two-day total when we landed in Winnipeg was 1,567 miles. Lots of conversations about life, people, and work. Music and trivia (and man, does my kid know the MCU.) I'm also discovering a lot of reasons why Sequoia's decided to leave that I hadn't been aware of. There's always a wall between parent and child, no matter how close they are, but we seem to be chipping away at that wall. I've only ever wanted to raise him, yet I'm doing my best to see eye to eye with him.

~ The smoke here is apocalyptic. The scope of these fires is almost impossible to behold, and while they're so remote in the wilderness, they don't pose an immediate threat; they're ever-present. I know it's smoky at home, but this is almost beyond description. Also, while America might run on Dunkin, the world runs on petroleum. I understood that the first time I saw twelve lanes of traffic in Miami, but now I'm reminded of that on the plains of Canada. It's a changing world, and it's hard to think it's for the better.

~ Still, I'm a believer in the human spirit. Humans in America are divided, more focused on hating their neighbor than holding people in power accountable, but still - the human heart burns with love. I see it in the face of the woman behind the counter of the coffee shop, in the warmth of the waitress who touched me gently on the shoulder, I hear it in the laugh of the long-haired man who pumped our diesel. While in Canada, I'm wondering if Americans are too far gone, but as long as our hearts beat with love, there's hope.

We stopped in Saskatoon for our first A&W fast-food experience, where they make the root beer on site! We passed through some massive storms along the way and finally reached an area with clear, blue skies. After a lot more flat, we made it to Edmonton, both of us surprised by the size.

We’d officially moved into Mountain Time, two hours behind our home’s Eastern Time. We’d gone 1,296 kilometers that day, or 805 miles, a three-day total of 2,372 miles.

Day Four: Friday, 08/08/2025 - Edmonton, Alberta to Fort Nelson, British Columbia

On this day, we left Edmonton to head to Fort Nelson, but we had to stop by Fort St. John at the Walmart Supercenter to get ready for the next leg of our trip. We found online guidance letting us know we shouldn’t go past Fort Nelson at night, because bison eyes are non-reflective and very hard to see at night.

This was the part of the trip where we saw signs of the forest fires. While we weren’t close to them, we were driving through their aftermath.

Thoughts I posted on Facebook that day:

~ Today we set out for Fort Nelson from Edmonton, crossing over into British Columbia and Pacific Time. I don't spend a lot of time on Reddit, but when it comes to research, it's a great resource. We're cutting today's journey down by six hours because we were warned of driving through a part of British Columbia because bison eyes aren't reflective at night. Plus that way, we'll drive by the Liard Hot Springs tomorrow, which we're definitely stopping at for a dip.

~ Last night in Edmonton, I had a first. We checked into the hotel, took the elevator up to our room, and let ourselves into our room...only to find it occupied by a lovely older couple.🫩 As Isaac said this morning when I told him, can you imagine being that couple, checked in for the night and getting ready for an art festival the next day, when two "tattooed Sasquatch" burst into your room?? 🤣 She handled it WAAAAY better than I would have.

~ This morning we drove to Tim Horton's for breakfast. Satellite radio was playing Jim Croce's "Operator," and the two of us sang it word for word. One of the greatest songs of all time, and I've somehow raised a kid who can sing every word of that song. A big win for me, and a tender moment to remember.

~ It's stormy and overcast today. No smoke, seems like we're out of it today or can't see it. We saw our first group of wild or "feral" horses, but again they were behind us before we could get a photo of them.

~ The long drive is giving me a lot of time to think. I'm journaling and writing poetry. I feel inspired in a way I haven't in a long time, and I guess that's what a change of scenery into strange lands will do. The truck is meditative and Sequoia is driving like a champ. Yesterday we churned through 80's horror movie and cryptid trivia. We're laughing and reminiscing.

~ I have a flight out of Anchorage next Thursday. We're arriving in Palmer, Alaska Sunday night, where Sequoia is renting a house, so we'll have four full days of exploring. I'm doing my best not to concentrate too much on the grains of sand that are falling behind us, remaining grateful for the sand itself. I'm more than fine and not okay at all.

My emotions were heavy the entire trip, but as the days passed, the emotions became more pronounced. 22 years together, almost all of them full-time. Never once had being a father been anything but a joy, as natural to me as breathing. I love my husband and my parents, but the love I have for my child defies description. It was a beautiful trip, although so, so bittersweet.

The land began rolling with hills, and while the roadside attractions were scant, we did pass a giant beaver in Beaverlodge! Eventually, we made it to Dawson Creek, mile zero of the famed Alaska Highway!

We finally started descending into a canyon, into a landscape that gave me goosebumps. After so much flat grassland and charred forests, we were ready for this civilization. This is where our trip started to feel like the wild, wild west.

We finally made it to Fort Nelson, British Columbia, from Edmonton, driving a total of 1,054 kilometers, or 655 miles, for a four-day total distance of 3,027 miles.

Day Five: Saturday, 08/09/2025 - Fort Nelson, British Columbia to Whitehorse, Yukon Territory

Fort Nelson felt like a large trucker town, with gas stations, restaurants, hotels, and not much else, another city that felt like it was part of the wild west. As we left town, we saw our first elk, and first herd of bison standing in the middle of the road - what a traffic jam! We saw incredible rivers and mountains, like Stone Mountain and Toad River.

Here are my Facebook thoughts from that day:

~ Yesterday, we moved from the flatlands into the mountains of British Columbia. We saw a "HORSE CROSSING" sign, warning us of feral horses. We watched a black bear mother move along the side of the road with her two cubs. The spirits of the land were quiet, or maybe diluted, in the flatlands. Here, they bellow.

~ The farthest east I've been to is Amsterdam, the farthest west Seattle. The furthest south I've been is Key West, the furthest north I've been is Scotland. I've never experienced anything like this, never anything so much like the Wild West. The fullness and sovereignty of the land around us reminds me who - or what - is really in charge.

~ We move into the Yukon today, our destination Whitehorse. Our plan is to stop in Liard to take a dip in the hot springs. We just saw the first wild elk we've ever seen in our lives, and a good chance that we'll see the Northern Lights tonight, if the sky is clear. As I write this, we just moved through a herd of wild bison.

~The days are getting longer because we're moving north, the furthest north either of us have ever been. I understand the privilege of this moment and I drink in every moment, choking back tears, not because of what's to come but because of what's around us.

~ Sequoia's become a fan of audiobooks. I feel the North weaving itself into his blood, and he might need them when he drives long distances in this place that will most likely be his home for a long time. Maybe forever.

~ He began to talk about Alaska when important people in his life started to disappoint him, few of his peers able to meet him where he's at. He told me he wanted to move to Alaska when his heart was heavy, and I tried to remind him not to run from his problems. I'm reminding him that no matter where we go, there we are. Was I holding him back, or trying to help him heal from the wounds he was carrying? Maybe both.

~ After I talked to him about that, I left Lunenburg for Littleton, about an 18 minute drive along Rte 135. I came up on an old Ford Bronco moving slowly, with an Alaskan license plate with the words WEREOUT. I brought up my conflict with my dear friend Maria, right at the moment she was holding postcards from Alaska.

~ The Universe was loud that day, and I immediately told him that yeah, he should go. Sometimes we're not running from our problems, but towards a new beginning. Helping him find this new beginning is the gift of a lifetime.

Past Toad River, we eventually made it to the Liard Hot Springs - the very first time either of us had ever swam in hot springs. It was an incredible experience!

From there, we left and found a herd of bison wandering around the Liard Springs Lodge. We were about 16 feet away from them! It was quite the tourist spot, lots of photo opportunities, and a few employees of the lodge who were done with the public years ago. We tried to be as nice as we could be, wherever we went.

We left the lodge, traversed many miles, and made it to Watson Lake - where we found the Sign Forest! From all around the world, signs were attached to dozens and dozens of posts in the center of town.

After refueling at Watson Lake, we made our way through more beautiful landscape. The hardest part of this job is describing what this trip was like, especially the provinces of British Columbia and the Yukon Territory.

We finally made it to Whitehorse, the city that, according to the Guinness Book of World Records, has the lowest air pollution of any city around the world. This was our last stop in Canada before heading to the United States, making 951 kilometers, 590 miles, for a five-day total of 3,618 miles. Sunset in Whitehorse was 10:12 pm.

Day Six: Sunday, 08/10/2025 - Whitehorse, YT to Palmer, Alaska

Our final day before we hit Alaska! This part of the Yukon and Alaska was breathtaking, and I would recommend it to anyone. If I had to do it over again, and I wasn’t driving items to a new home, I would fly into Edmonton and then drive from there. Facebook thoughts from that morning:

~ Yesterday was a day of firsts. The first elk, caribou, and blacktail deer. The first herd of bison to drive through in the middle of the road. The first hot springs we've ever swam in. The farthest north and west we've ever been. The first 10 pm sunset we've ever been under. No northern lights, though. Soon, I imagine.

~ Whitehorse is the city in the world, according to the Guinness Book of World Records, that has the cleanest air and the least air pollution. It's a different world here. We've just seen our first prairie dogs ever. Another day of firsts.

~ The prevalence of the First Nations is touching. Councils and systems to help them, programs to help Native women stay safe and not disappeared (which is a huge problem, apparently.) We've passed small billboards of missing women that break my heart. I've never seen so many Native Americans in my life. The legacy of European invasion weighs heavy on my mind. I distinctly feel it a privilege to be in their lands, and it makes me feel like Americans who cry about "illegals" are even more hollow, lost, and sad. Being out of the US for this long makes me understand even better what it means to be an American, and a lot of it ain't great, especially right now.

~ We cross the border into Alaska today. My Dad's lived here twice, my uncles and cousins as well. There's a part of that state that seems to be in our blood, and I can't wait to see what it does to me, and to Sequoia. The land so far is unlike any part of the world I've ever been to, including the UK. I recommend this drive and this trip to anyone who wants a journey of a lifetime. Getting lost, I've found, is a great way to find yourself.

Eventually, we came upon Kluane Lake, the most powerful place I’d visited up to this point. On this drive, I was concentrating on the role of “Dad” and co-pilot, and let the spiritual side of me take a backseat. I wasn’t looking to “read” any area or feel into an area with anything but my basic human eyes, but this place…this place was powerful.

All I wanted to do was stay and bask in the power of this lake. I could feel the pull of the place as I left it, and immediately began dreaming about going camping there the following year. I also thanked Sequoia for the umpteenth time for having the gumption to make this life move. After Lake Kluane, we drove through the rest of the Yukon Territory, coming up against some vast construction and even wild swans.

Once we were through the border and back into the United States, we had miles and miles of nothing except construction. Eventually, we came to the Matanuska Glacier and took in the majestic views that highlighted it. We drove on the side of the mountains, which was quite scary. We made it, though, landing in Palmer, Alaska, and Sequoia’s new apartment when the sun was setting.

We drove 661 miles that day, for a six-day total of 4,279 miles. What an epic trip!

Soon, I’ll highlight the four days I spent in Alaska. They were special days, and although I was more than fine, I was not okay at all. Sequoia and I had spent 22 years together, and he was always close by, at least geographically. I know what I’m experiencing is the typical empty nest syndrome, but understanding and feeling are vastly different.

When it came to adjusting to Sequoia moving to Alaska, I leaned into the secret to life as far as I could. What I mean by that, the secret to life - as far as I can tell - is answering the question “What would I tell my kid?” I had to not only guide Sequoia in this adventure of a lifetime by encouraging him to leap, but I had to talk myself down off a cliff several times.

I know humans can only be motivated by love or fear, and I knew that the proper way to handle this adventure - and the incredible shift in our family - was by reacting from a place of love, not fear. Love makes us the smartest and strongest as we can be, as when we solve a problem for someone we love, we become the smartest version of ourselves. Likewise, when we have to carry a burden for someone we love, we find the smartest version of ourselves.

This was the first part of the most incredible adventure of my life, and the most challenging journey my heart has ever been on. Thank you for being here to witness it, and I’ll get part two - our time in Alaska - out as soon as possible!